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Miss St.Tosia Pageant
St.Tosia stopped in freeze-frame this week when their newly elected unmarried Miss St.Tosia Pageant, Rosa Malosa, suddenly announced that she would
relinquish her title due to pregnancy. She became very beloved on the island for her dazzling dance performance of "If you have it once, you want
it twice" as part of the contest. No one could have imagined her reign would last just one week. In general, the islanders are very forgiving
because of the human fact that anyone could become pregnant at any time. And so, the dust settles and the queens move on wearing their kitschy
rhinestone tiara, wearing their title on a shiny ribbon and by being a good looking crowned chick. Rosa refrained from immediately naming the
father. Yet, the inquisitive reporters of the St.Tosia Courier found out through the bush telegraphs that she was pregnant by the current
Chairman of Parliament who had also fathered a child with his former wife who was Miss St.Tosia three years ago.
The news stunned the island's
high social order and had raised eyebrows in political circles. In the past, unmarried beauty queens were quietly having their babies for decades.
Either nobody seemed to notice or nobody cared. But in this case...? Yet, it is common knowledge that male dignitaries generally have the first
pick of beauty queens for wives, and many high-profile politicians on the island were already beneficiaries of some of St.Tosia's most
bewitching beauties. There is a belief that being empowered by the charms of a titled queen is the formula for rising to rapid stardom.
| Miss St.Tosia Pageant |
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The Miss St.Tosia Pageant is not a Miss Something-or-Other event. It shows the world that the Caribbean has so much more to offer than just sun, beautiful
beaches and delicious cocktails! Not just any "body" can represent St.Tosia. The contestants are ultra good looking women with bra sizes sometimes bigger
than their intelligence quotients. The Pageant is about pretty women who are for real and are parading around in pretty dresses and swimsuits
while smiling all the time. St.Tosian beauties are among the most beautiful in the Caribbean because of their baffling exotic ethnic mix!
The first question that comes to mind is "what ingredients does this callaloo have in her?" For instance Justine Jobert, last year's Miss Tosia,
is what you might call a rainbow person who has a bit of everything there is to find on the island: French, African, Indian and Chinese.
Her late father, may his soul be blessed, lived 45 years on the island with a reputation as an individualist with a mind of his own.
He strongly believed in diversity and Justine was one of his 13 children of almost just as many mothers. No one really knows exactly and
although nothing is proven, at his funeral there was a striking large following of crying women in black veils.
Besides Rosa Malosa, there were five more candidates who were participating in the contest and in an official announcement almost immediately
after the abolishment of Rosa's throne, the Miss St.Tosia Pageant Committee stated that the first runner-up, Eulalia Muddermoore, would become
the new Miss St.Tosia. Eulelia made jaws drop and tongues wag in the "Bikini and Whole Piece Swimwear Segment" that was held Friday a week ago
at St.Tosia's Imperial Yacht Club. She paraded in a creatively styled swimsuit that was hand sewn by her 80-year old grandma Eunice and it
wholly showed her physical fitness and enhanced her personality. Grandmothers in that age sometimes don't get all the pieces together anymore
and that worked just perfectly for Eulelia's swimwear. Her appearance brought her so much ahead that although she tripped in her floor length
gown during the Evening Gown competition on Saturday night, sending her stumbling right up to the flower decoration at the edge of the stage,
the judges chose to see past this insignificant flaw. "Ooops, 'forgot to scuff the bottom of my shoes." she said, then got right back up and
laughed it off with a million dollar smile and started clapping her hands above her head and the audience joined in with an thundering applaus.
At the Saturday night event in the Windhole Resort and Beach Hotel in Puerto Olvidar, the finals came alive when the exotic St.Tosian beauties
competed in the additional segments Cultural Wear, Evening Gown, Performing Talent and Question and Answer Session.
The flamboyant flavor of the luscious ebony Esperanza Fammagusta evoked a rare combination of mystery and sensuality. With her perfectly chiseled
face and her graceful neck, the nearly six-foot tall statuesque built beauty has an impeccable sense of style. She had legs to die for and she
could sashay without a bounce; a smooth walker gliding glamorously and gliding carefully as if she had a fishbowl with a goldfish on her head.
The slower Esperanza glides, the longer she is on stage, the longer she is exposed to the judges and keeps them in a state of suspense.
She knows how to stretch her performance like the week between Christmas and New Year.
Charmaine de Sinsanque wowed the male judges and audience with her grace, and her dark, sexy and sultry looks. She made eye contact with the
President of the Jury and Former Prime Minister of St.Tosia, Spencer Llewelyn, who is known to be an avid admirer of beauty and who always
had the reputation of not much in the head, but from there on down, gangbusters. Charmaine had that "Yes, I'm looking at you and don't you
think you should be looking at me too?" which she topped off with an eye wink that didn't go unnoticed by the other judges. Llewelyn was
totally smitten and gave her 10 points for her performance whereas the other judges only gave her 6.4, 6.7, 6.5 and 6.3 points. On them,
she may have made too much of an impression of being self-centered, hedonistic and sometimes sexually promiscuous.
But everyone was totally astonished when Spencer Llewelyn again rewarded Charmaine with ten points for the answer she gave in the Question
and Answer Session when she was asked to name an expensive feature in a car and she answered "Uhhhhhh..., a Rolex radio!" However, the sweet
settling of scores came in the Q&A session when Llewelyn asked the next candidate, Jodie Willmoth, what the purpose of life is and she
responded: "The purpose of your life is to serve as a warning to others!" That response visibly brought him out of concept. Jodie noticed
it and tried to correct the situation by saying: "If you want a different answer, ask a different question." Jodie was awarded four times
ten points from the other judges and only got a meek 5.9 from Llewelyn.
The 5ft 6 blue-eyed blonde Jodie Willmoth was a bit of dark horse candidate at first sight, and appeared somewhat demure and homely. But
she did show a fierce catwalk on the tune "Baby Elephant Walk" from the film Hatari; the music that Jodie had chosen for her modeling.
She was the prototype female to prove that the worth of a woman takes a lot more than just maintaining a great face and physique and that
strength and intelligence are priceless qualities. If you would play chess or backgammon with Jodie you would lose big time for sure. She
is the type of girl whose favorite dish is mashed potato and gravy. She may be short of the oozing sex appeal of the other contestants but
she outperformed them all with her outstanding communication skills and she marveled the audience with her confidence and wit. When the
other contestants smiled it appeared as if they wanted to show that they had been brushing their teeth four times daily with toothpaste
containing peroxide and whitening microcrystals. When Jodie smiled or laughed, she wrinkled up her nose and snored.
From the moment Cynthia Bird came on the stage, everyone was mesmerized by her stunning figure. She may have lacked facial beauty but
definitely had other bigger assets. Cynthia wore a black satin offensively see-through top and had the most lifelike frontal acreage.
She could have won any evening wear competition hands down. When Cynthia competes, boy, she knows how to compete! She transformed herself
into a veritable pin-up girl who displays passion and ambition. She was bedazzled by the photographers calling her name and the flashlights
went off like fireworks. Instantly she became the darling of Eleston Riddle, the St.Tosia Courier staff photographer, who seemed to make the
best photo shoot of his life although these pictures were never published in the St.Tosia Courier.
The Miss Pageant organizers try to set strict fashion rules to make sure that the skimpy outfits of the beauty queens still manage to cover what
should necessarily be kept from plain sight. Charmaine de Sinsanque, for instance, had been summoned to cover up more by making her bikini bottoms
wider. She started crying which broke the hearts of the stagehands and waiters at the Windhole Resort and Beach Hotel, who were actually rather
pleased by the way things were. Cynthia Bird had already been given the warning "Don't forget your underwear" by the Miss Pageant manager to
which she had responded with: "Thank God, I'm very satisfied with the way God created me and I wouldn't change a thing," which left him
speechless but at least she did as she was told. But her black satin lunatic daring see-through top became known as "Cynthia's Revenge".
The St.Tosia school of thought of beauty may resolve a mind-body problem that can be traced back to Plato and Aristotle. St.Tosia Pageants
hardly appear to qualify as culture. Contestants have no identifiable skills or recognizable talents. They are judged for the most part on
those physical qualities-feminine beauty, grace, and poise-that are understood as the "natural" result of youth, heredity, and good breeding.
St.Tosian beauty queens will never appear as cultural workers, poets or academics. They realize that they've got a lot more to gain than lose
from being in the pageant by being more refined in body and not in mind. These emissaries of celestial feminine gorgeousness feel that they
are destined to be the wife of a very important personality and will put their best foot forward as they endeavor to represent themselves
first to the highest degree while showcasing a just diminutive sample of cultural elements of St.Tosia.
Cdr. Bud Slabbaert
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