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Tosiatic banking
Every day on St.Tosia is a reason for some kind of celebration. Today, Ronnie Labobo's Steel Drum Band plays in front of the post office at the
corner of the Kaya Grande Rico and the Kaya Diciembre Cinco. Flags and garlands all over. Tonight there will be fireworks and traditional
St.Tosia "Booty Pop Dancing". The new expansion to the post office is celebrated. It now has a capacity of more than five thousand mailboxes.
Instead of 'P.O.Box', the St.Tosia Postal system calls them 'Suite' following a suggestion to do so by Nandan Mahasundaram, the marketing
guru on the island. Actually, St.Tosia now ranks number one in number of mailboxes per capita, followed by the US State of Delaware and
the Principality of Liechtenstein. It is not because multinational companies are looking for a prestigious street address with a "Suite"
number in St.Tosia's Kaya Grande Rico without paying a prestigious rent for it. Eversince the government of St.Tosia had decided to allow
offshore banking trusts, foundations and companies the post office had to hundredfold the number of mailboxes. Word about new tax incentives
and benefits always gets around fast in the financial world. For the purpose of fast Tosiatic banking news dissemination the Finance Ministry
has created the new position of 'Bank Tweeter'.
The island's Minister of Finances and Economy, the honorable Sir Charles P. Dribcloss Sr. was the driving force behind the off-shore regulations.
Ask anyone on the island where he got the title "Sir" and no one knows, but native residents do know him by his nick name "Laundromat Charlie"
and everybody off shore respectfully calls him "Sir". The honorable minister was advised by the only banker on the island, Samuel Frohenstein,
President of the St.Tosia Caribbean Development Bank which is better known in insider circles of the international investor community as the
Caribbean Stashbank.
| Samuel Frohenstein |
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The banker was actually the initiator of the plan to abolish all taxes and implement an annual corporate administration fee of only $1,000
regardless whether a company has ten thousand or ten kazillion dollars in profits. The new off shore regulations forced Frohenstein to acquire
a larger vault for his bank and hire additional security staff which off course was a positive move to increase employment on the island.
Any financial expert in the world, from Scrooge McDuck to the President of the World Bank, supports the thesis that money is lovely and having
lots of it is better than not having lots of it.
The bank president also holds the post of Honorary Dean of the Faculty for Off-Shore Banking and Finance at the University of St.Tosia. Samuel
Frohenstein believes strongly in supporting non-profit educational measures without any self-interest and he has excellent fundraising ideas.
Graduates of the "Masters of Offshore Financing" program have the option of receiving an Honorary Doctor Degree as a bonus if they open a bank
account of more than one million dollars. The courses are internationally highly recognized and characterized by encouraging students to come
up with innovative finance solutions. After the latest recession, CEOs of the most reputable finance institutions in the world were required
to attend refresher courses in St.Tosia. "Tosiatic Banking" is a synonym for stashing cash!
There is a private heavily-guarded, almost fortified, mansion at Pirate Point. On the right hand gate pillar of the gate a bronze cast plaque
says: "Syndicus Uberrima Fides". The translation "syndicate of utmost good faith" made some people believe that is was a house of good faith
belonging to a secretive religious sect. The fact is that it is an old-money gentlemen's club where its super-rich elite members frequently
gather to discuss finance and investment deals among themselves. On top of each of the two ornate gate pillars, which are hand carved in
natural white coral stone, is a stately lion statue of a lion holding the coat of arms of the syndicate. The whole shield, its mantling, as
well as its tincture signifies glory and wealth. On the small banner under the shield is written in Latin "Caveat Tributorum" which is
translated means "Tax Office Beware". You cannot see the mansion from the gate entrance; a narrow, twisty, rather steep road downward to
the manor that it is tucked away in the lush tropical setting of the hillside halfway down toward the ocean.
The Syndicate operates under a shroud of confidentiality and is veiling its membership list which already led to countless conspiracy theories.
The only explanation ever given was back in 2004 by Montague Nelson, the President of the Syndicate, to an investigative reporter of the
internationally renowned financial magazine "Tax Lacks", when Nelson stated that "it hosts meetings to provide a forum for idea-sharing
among its members". The feature article later published in "Tax Lacks" was titled "Think-Tank for Tax Evasion". "Tax Lacks" provides
noteworthy coverage of tax saving issues. It has a circulation of 104,208 and is read by affluent leaders worldwide. The Syndicate makes
generous donations to the organizing committee of the St.Tosia Carnival and that also keeps the less privileged islanders happy. Singing
and dancing are intrinsic values of happiness on St.Tosia. It is also a strong supporter of education.
The Syndicate offers bi-annual classes for junior bankers and portfolio managers at the University of St.Tosia under the title "Caveo Cavi
Cautum Taxare" (beware, avoid, look out for taxes). We, laymen, would understand it best if it was called a "Hide what you set aside" and
believe that is a course on best practices of opening a saving account. The curriculum of courses at the reputable University of St.Tosia
which also offers "Masters Degree in Offshore Financing" studies includes things that we would not understand like "Exploiting gaps in
cross-border tax rules". Every opening of a finance related educational event at the University, is the ideal chance for the island's
Minister of Finances and Economy, the honorable Sir Charles P. Dribcloss Sr to shine as a global financial authority and he is quoted to
have stated at numerous occasions:
"We oppose the work of the Taxowackos who artificially and aggressively increase tax bills and thus make life difficult for those who go through
great effort to create their wealth. Their wealth will be protected by our industrious bevy of professional enablers in the private banking,
legal, accounting and investment industries taking advantage of the increasingly borderless, frictionless global economy. On St.Tosia, we are
the leaders of a free economy and free trade. The Taxoweenies cannot blame us for standing straight for freedom. My friends, Freedom is a
human right!"
His audiences of finance professionals and high net worth individuals who are less interested in the human right perspective but who are strong
supporters of off-shore investing to the fullest extent, start acting like gorillas in heat, ripping off their ties, throwing off their hindering
jackets and making their way to the stage screaming and yelling "Freedom, freedom!" and "Long live Laundromat Charlie". They are wildly waving
their arms and they do not let go no matter how squashed and deafened they get. Their aim in the gig is to fly into a rage that is not
imaginable at their offices in the various global financial centers. They act as if in the Minister they met the Savior of the Industry.
When the ovations die down eventually there is a refreshment break in the court yard of the University. Informally and relaxed zipping some
mango juice with rum though a straw under the swaying palm trees.
Minister Dribcloss makes no heal out of his believes. A tweet saying that "The role of so-called reputable Central Banks has been inflated to
Fleamarket Financiers" went viral the other day on Twitter. His remarks usually go viral on Twitter and it often makes the editors of the
financial media around the world go shake rattle and roll. He is highly appreciated for his expressions that have a lot of attitude and no
platitude. It gives the editors inspiration for headlines that they cannot find anywhere else and create 'Wanna Read' articles that investors
go for.
Last month in his opening speech to an audience of investment bankers during the 7th Annual Tosiatic Banking Forum the Minister stated: "It is my
contention that stealing from what is already stolen is no more than a gentleman's sin that can be forgiven."
Samual Frohenstein, the President the St.Tosia Development Bank who sat in the VIP front row, stood up to applaud the remarks. As he looked around
him in the audience with a smile and some positive nicking of his head, he encouraged the attendees to follow his example which resulted in a
standing ovation. Whoever remained seated and didn't applaud could easily be identified as an observer of an overseas tax authority and their
face looked like a weather forecast predicting a week of rain and thunder. For them the honorable politician had a special message:
"Offshore banking is a blessing; offshore taxing is an immorality." He continued: "To those who believe that money is the root of all evil,
I say,bring it on. We will relieve you from your evil. Our Tosiatic banking system is your fortune that pays dividends."
The Tosiatic Banking Forum will end this Friday and all attendees will happily spend an extra weekend of exotic warmness of St.Tosia golden beaches.
There is no doubt in the banking world that when the wind is right and the moon is full, St.Tosia offers the best offshore financing environment.
Contrary to many countries, St.Tosia's economy is flourishing.
Cdr. Bud Slabbaert
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